my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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