eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
