Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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