the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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