I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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