Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
