hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
