Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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