i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
