It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
