Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
