I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Let's get the cat blown out
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
