I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
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