WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize