I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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