dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
no you cant smoke seaweed
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
