What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
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She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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