a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
