Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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