I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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