you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
