I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
