So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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