my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
