that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
