What did we do last night that was yellow?
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
