I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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