She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
