I will die if light touches me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
