I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
