you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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