Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
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she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
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Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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