Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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