you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
