I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
