WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
