OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
