He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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