Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
