Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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