I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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