Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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