If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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