i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
