i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
