A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
