Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
