New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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