A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
