And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I think i got beer on your cat.
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