Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
