I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
