Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
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I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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