I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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