I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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